Sunday, 4 May 2014

Birthday Weekend Part Three - Food For Thought


To confirm that the girl pictured both above and below who passed out at 11pm with four helium balloons tied to her ear and her bottom showing through the mesh in her party dress is me would be both social and professional suicide. 


I can however confirm that this soiree was no stroll in Hyde Park. While the weak (or just incredibly sleep deprived) hit the hay relatively early in the night, the party continued into the marble bathroom where it met its glamourous climax. 


Did you know that Colgate toothbrushes are the next big thing in bathroom selfies?



After all the guests left Ms P decided to orchestrate the rest of the evening, which involved nothing but deep fried food...



I wish the Dirthouse had an in-house chef who prepared burgers and chips at 4 am. Sigh first world problems.


The next morning I awoke to a semi deflated balloon bouncing on my forehead and three girls sprawled out beside me. Surprisingly I felt great. This I later found out was due to the fact that I had left the party early for 10 hours of deep sleep on the most comfortable bed I've ever had the pleasure of passing out on. While the rest of the girls continued to sleep I decided to order a morning coffee and run myself a bath. 




More on our new business venture 'Paleo Prestige' later ;)


At around 11am we all decided to crawl out of the hotel room in search of breakfast.

'Will you ladies be joining us for continental breakfast or hot breakfast this morning?' asked the maitre d'

We all gave her a look that quite clearly said continental is not an option, in fact we'll eat you before we choose fruit over bacon.

Round one:


Round 2:


Round 3 ended in a brawl with a woman who stole my baked beans on toast...



Only joking, I found this note on the ground. I must say I really liked how seriously they took their breakfast.

With the executive suites at the Shangri-La you get the option of late check out. I made my check out as late as possible. In fact I was contemplating never leaving. I found a perfect spot on the window sill and wrote this post as effortlessly as the ferries slip in and out of Circular Quay. 


While my little birthday soiree was amazing the best thing about this weekend was staying in such close proximity to the harbour. It reminded me of how many birthdays I begged my parents to stay in the city as a little girl. 

Listen at how attached I am to this suite already, I better just buy the damn thing. There is just one small, small problem. I have no money. 

That awkward moment when you don't know how you are going to become successful but you know you have to because you've just had your coming of age birthday and its back to work on Monday.  

Challenge accepted. Time to take this career thing by the balls!

Thursday, 1 May 2014

Birthday Weekend Part Two - Girls


Chin chin I'd just like to say a couple of words before we all get unbelievably shit faced and wake up with our dresses up around our ears. Three years ago I moved to Sydney from Noosa and had absolutely no friends. I spent my first birthday in the city at an over priced pancake joint in Circular Quay and although I was accompanied by one amazing girl it was hardly a soiree to remember. The following year I met the Queens and they threw me an intimate dinner party in Potts Point. This year I was asked what I was going to do for my coming of age party, I said party? No way, to have a party one must first have friends. 

As I look around the room at a dozen beautiful new faces I can't help but wonder, fuck how did I get all of you wonderful people to want to hang out with me?

 It could be because I get a killer discount on Rabbit vibrators or because I entertain you with sob stories about my 15 minute romances with D grade Australian celebs.

Whatever it is it must be good because you not only pressed yes on my Facebook event but you actually all showed up tonight to celebrate this day.

So enjoy the buckets of champaign, the free room service and all the other perks of this incredible Shangri-la hotel suite

All i ask is that you share the next 20 something years with me.

To you, my girls and my Queens xxx

Cheers!!!





















TBC...

Wednesday, 30 April 2014

Birthday Weekend Part One - Sailors

I used to get emails from people saying that they loved being able to come home from work and switch off with a delicious cup of tea and some tales from The Dirthouse. 

Now that I'm a full-time working girl I know exactly what they mean. I know what hard working people expect when they come home and unleash their boobies from their bras. They're thinking Come on HOB I've been taking messages and changing bin liners all day, entertain me! 

Well all you demanding bastards be entertained by this! I've slipped from Bourke St to struggle street in recent weeks after entering the world of 'the salary' aka full-time work. 

I've had absolutely no time lately to think about my problems and compile them into humorous, whimsical sentences.

As a matter of fact Mr R called me at the airport last week just as he got back from Costa Rica and my response to his seductive "Hey gorgeous, long time no speak" was a very unromantic "Oi yeah do u know a number for a good, cheap...its got to be cheap office cleaner in the Surry Hills area? about 100 square meters."

It's official these days I can't tell the difference between a customer service representative and my mother. If you can make me money we can have coffee. More on my new job as PR girl for a fabulous lingerie company later!

For now lets entertain us both with photos from my birthday last weekend! 

*Warning the following captions may be short, crude and sound as though they have been written by a 11 year old boy with no comprehension of the English language. My eighth cup of coffee for the day is beginning to wear off.



Yay special balloons, good. roses.

Ms P made my entire b-day week with this incredible drawing of my room! Isn't she a cutie for including the Bourke St sign and making me look really skinny!


For my birthday I also got one, two, three...four, five...


....six, seven, eight...nine, ten...one hundred and eighty two seamen...


And one creepy yet unbelievably lovably high school friend...


Friday night the Noosa Queens collaborated with the Dirthouse Queens to go fishing for sailors. But this was not before we took some super hot selfies.

Cute!


Pretty!


Hmmm?


To be honest the night wasn't the same after a woman in the bottle shop told us that sailors had the highest rate of STI in the world.


But you can't catch herpes from talking right?


Or rubbing each others inner thighs?


I remained relatively sober throughout the night because there was no way I was going to be hung over for my birthday party.

Now thats a night I won't be forgetting any time soon!

TBC...