When I turned twenty I told myself that I
would start drinking tea and stop taking selfies. It just seems that as you get
older somethings that you would have possessed or taken pleasure in doing
before are no longer acceptable. After a string of bad dates my housemates and
I got talking about men who in one way or another have not evolved past a
certain stage or fad in their life.
Take Leading Seaman Physical Trainer D. K for example: After meeting him in a bar we organised a date at a very low key
venue in Surry Hills. As I was considerably sloshed on our first encounter I didn't remember much about him
except for the fact that he was tall yet playful like a thorough bred labrador. Naturally when I went to
meet him for our first date I was somewhat worried that I wouldn’t find
his dog-like attributes as appealing in my now sober state. When I finally saw him
across the room I gave myself an imaginary hi-5. He was tall, muscular and incredibly
handsome with thick dark hair and periecing green eyes, however, as we sat down
I noticed something which instantly made my stomache churn.
Subject A: The Thumb Ring
There are many hearsays about men who wear
thumb rings but in my opinion, and this is not to get confused - nothing good
comes of a man who wears a ring on his thumb! It is just a weird, unattractive,
incredibly outdated trend and I have absolutely no idea where it came from. The
only place a man should wear a ring is on his ring finger, unless you are my old
spunky micro-economic lectuer who then I encourage to ditch that wedding ring.
Moving on…
After I noticed the ring I tried to
distract myself with mildly erotic thoughts related to his job as a leading
seaman. All of the heroic boat things he would do: battling huge waves, thumb ring, yelling orders,
sweat enducing workouts in khaki attire, thumb ring, saving lives and
fighting for the freedom of Australia, seamen, see-men, semen, big fat sterling
silver with weird tribal enragving THUMB RING.
Look guys, I’m not that vain. I can date
guys with scruffy hair, who wear boat shoes and drive shitty cars but there’s
just something about a masculine male thumb adorned with jewelry for mere aesthetic purposes that I don’t quite get.
Well Queen K actually trumped my thumb ring
guy with a man she recently went on a date with. He took her to a cool
underground place in the city, chose a nice selection of tapas with some wine
to enhance the flavor palette and even struck up some fairly engaging
conversation about philosophy and climate change it was only at the very end when
all his hard work came undone. As he reached into his pocked he pulled out no
other than…
Subject B: The Piping Hot Velcro Wallet
CCCHHHHHHHHHH…That’s the sound a Velcro
wallet makes when its being opened, the sound becomes even more abrasive than
you could possibly imagine when the man who owns the wallet is in his mid 30s.
Mateeee, what are you thinking? Its common knowledge that the brand
Piping Hot and Velcro wallets in general are reserved for adolescence and young
boys persuing a part-time job at their local fish and chip shop. Theres a
reason why you can only fit 1-2 cards in there and that’s because those kind of
wallets are designed for buss passes and school I.D’s only…not credit cards and
certainly not a place to store your business card or a wad of 50s!
I do realise that the tone of this article was highly critical but I do believe there are some things we have to grow out
of in order to progress to the next stage of our lives (and in the case of
these guys) to score a second and maybe even a third date. Its not rocket
science boys - if you wore it or did it 20 years ago maybe its not something you
should be doing now. Admittedly its been one and a half weeks since I turned 20
yet I have already been caught taking a selfie…or two. It’s a learning process
for us all but in reagrds to to the seaman and his bling bling, if I’m allowed
to publicly take photos of myself and my
meal on our next date than you can most definitely wear your ring, until then I
think will leave my interaction with semen where it belongs…behind closed
doors.
.
Speaking of Seamen Lady B and I had a fabulous Anzac day...we went to Cargo Bar and played two-up until the sun set and then we danced our way late into the night. It was a very big day indeed.
So big in fact that the next day this poor sailor chap was completely unaware that he'd sent me a message that was actually intended for a girl named Bec...How and why a man named Sudeep got my phone number i'll never know.
Awkward.
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