The Bitter Sweet Story Of The Not-So-Young-Girl And The Cauliflower Pizza Base

Look, I could have just posted the photos below and you all would have been incredibly impressed with me (maybe) but behind every picture there is a story and I think this bitter sweet tale of the not-so-young-girl and the cauliflower pizza base is a good one. So enjoy ;)

So here I am sitting on my kitchen floor with cauliflower residue all over my hands and now in my hair because I've got my head in my hands asking myself why the fuck can't I make a decent cauliflower pizza? Or better yet why can't I just have a real fucking pizza with mountains of cheese and salami made out of seven different animals? No, because I'm cleansing my soul and ridding myself of dirty habits such as sitting on cold kitchen floors swearing and then confiding in strangers. 

Don't worry not looking to give up the confiding in strangers part yet, but it doesn't matter because you're my friends -  aren't you, aren't you!! Fuck it. Let's check Instagram for a distraction. Scrolling through the sea of fashion bloggers all of which are around about a AUS size 8, feeling guilty about wanting to go out and buy "lean" salami. Oh look, guy I'm interested in is having a witty, flirtatious conversation with a hilarious beautiful and semi famous tennis player on my instagram feed. They are both commenting on her photo, which is of nothing significant but her über charming tag line is a subliminal come fuck me to incredibly handsome but intellectual men like the one im currently infatuated with, bitch. 

I notice a few minutes later that he ends their insty convo with a wink. I throw myself on the floor like a ridiculous adolescent my tantrum is suddenly cut short by the smell of burning plant matter. My cauliflower base has finally decided to not only crisp up but burn. I want to cry. I turn the oven off and retreat back to my laying on the kitchen floor position, and then I realise that I'm twenty something years old on the verge of tears sprawled out on my mother's kitchen floor wearing a hideous K-mart apron using social media to stalk someone that I've never even met.

And the next thing I know mum is standing over me with an incredibly concerned look on her face probably because her only daughter who she has invested a lot of time and ballet classes in is sitting on the floor with now an abundance of crusty cauliflower in her hair. So I did the only thing I could do in this situation to prove to mum that I am in fact able to take care of myself and that was pick myself up and proceed to make another cauliflower base, with my phone turned off! and well it actually turned out pretty darn good...

The end.

The Game

Coming home to Noosa and momentarily escaping the city is like pressing pause on a game. They say you shouldnt run away from your problems but admittedly every time the big smoke throws a big punch at me I always find myself on the next plane. I'm not trying to avoid my problems I'm just giving myself time to amend my game plan before I step back into the city more tactful and resilient than ever, with a fresh new tan as my armour. Selfish of me isnt it?

I'd love to play it up and say that most of my holiday has been spent mingling with old friends and partaking in spontaneous trips to Brisbane (the much smaller city where I went to college), however I've actually spend most of my time sleeping in a hammock at the peak of my dads luscious hinterland property.

Although it may seem like nothing, filthy detox juice after filthy detox juice I am regaining my strength to dive back into the hustle and bustle head on. Because after all, after I get back on that plane I'm plunging into the unknown again - Jobless, in the midst of winter with only one thing in sight...a new love interest. All I can say about that folks is that he's a live one ;)

All in all I think the Dirthouse is holding up fine without me, I hear that a new vivacious red head has moved in...hopefully she has no intention to steal my throne or i'd probably have to kill her. However, I have a feeling that she's here to stay and will bring even more excitement and adventure to our classic arrangement. Interesting times ahead my friends.

As for now i'm just taking the time to enjoy the simpler things in life, from shells to the gorgeous lifesavers native to these warmer climates.

Hope all is well in your little piece heaven,

DQ xx

The Super Man Repeller Juice

Living in the inner city is a blessing but sometimes it's nice to just escape. Lucky for me I have two homes (dads house and mums house) in Noosa, Queensland where I can fly off to every now and then when I get a gap in my schedule. Since i'm not working at the moment and finished university as of yesterday I was free to flee the Dirthouse in search of a more wholesome brand of fun and adventure.

So here I am for the next two weeks, drifting from place to place catching up with old friends and kicking it with the fam. Its interesting how life changes when you're not at home, first your mum starts buying a different brand of peanut butter (wtf mum) and then there's a whole new person living in your house (dads new girlfriend) integrating cat soap dispensers into your very chic minamalistic modern interiors scheme. Anyway I'm not going to rant about that because this trip is actually about cleansing the sole of urban pollutants and obnoxious male characters.

What better way to kick off this holiday than with a fresh organic cleansing juice or thats what they told me...

Lets face it this isn't the kind of holiday where sleep ins and buffet breakfasts are permitted, in fact the main aim of this time away is to juice as many obscure plants as possible and get my brother to take photos of me pretending to enjoy it. The things we do in the name of detoxification.

So on the way home from the airport we stopped of at The Natural Foodstore in Forest Glen to stock up on heaps of leafy organic fruit and veggies.

One of the things i've learnt from some very wise Bondi hipsters back in Sydney is that the only thing better than green (theres something better than green?) is purple. So if it's available to you  (I've never seen a purple anything at my local Aldi in my life) then buy it! Apparently the stuff works wonder for your insides.

The first juice I decided to make included the following veggies and fruits below:

• Lemon - hand picked from our tree
• Orange
• Apple
• Purple carrot
• Celery 
• Purple Kale
• Ginger
• Spinach
• Zucchini
• Lime

So as you can see I pretty much chose to put the whole contents of my fridge into this juice - thats why i'm calling this potent creation the Super Man Repeller Juice. 

Make sure you get heaps of the purple stuff that you wouldn't usually touch with a 10 inch pole in, it will give you a radiant glow like a giant inflamed pimple.

And ta daaa! Looks relatively appealing hey? - or is that just my delicious crystal clear pool...

If your juice looks brown and murky like mine you know you've made yourself a Super Man Repeller Juice! Cheers...

What better way to test if this juice really lives up to its name than by feeding it to a man. My brother may only be 16 years old but at 6'2" we're pretty sure he inherited gigantism from my dads side of the family. Here man boy drink from the swamp coloured fountain of youth.

Admittedly it wasn't as bad as we were both expecting but i'm not going to lie the after taste really packed the punch!

Surprisingly enough I wasn't faking my enthusiasm to pour a second glass in this photo below. But since i'm catching up with my ex boyfriend next week theres plenty of time for that ;)

Oh it's lovely being home...

1:04am

The world on my google stats page is lighting up, which means you’re all active. There’s never a time when I don’t love to see you hanging around here at the Dirthouse but it’s currently 12:35 am in Australia and I’m starting to get mildly pissed off with the fact that I cant sleep. Through the paper-thin walls I can hear Countess K’s companion snoring, old mate isn’t even in his own bed and it sounds like he is having the best sleep of his life. Meanwhile here in he Queens quarters (I’m referring to myself as a Queen now because I’m starting to become mildly delirious from lack of shut eye) I’ve got my pillow propped to perfection, a sensual aromatic candle burning softly and the ever so slight sound of rain pitter pattering down my balcony window and I still cant fucking sleep. Tea was a terrible tactic as I now feel like I have to get up to pee every 10 minutes and no matter how hard I try to resist checking my phone I keep getting these telepathic vibrations from under my bed (where I hide my phone) telling me that someone handsome and wonderful with an incredible crop of chest hair has just texted me proposing marriage and two babies – boy and girl of course.

Oh poo.  I’m losing it.

1:04 am what does Women’s Health magazine say about people who don’t manage to get at least 7-9 hours sleep a night? They are more prone to getting fat! I think that was it. Great now I’m not only going to be sleep deprived in the morning but I’m going to be a fraction fatter than all of the other Queen’s who are probably sleeping soundly in their beds as we speak.

Shut up! No, not you…definitely not you - It’s me…somehow I just need to peel myself away from the computer, get up, do a wee, turn off the light then go to sleep.

Arggghghggggg

Peeling, peeling, slowly, slowly

Peeeeeeelingggggggg….

Goodnight all x

Leather, Adam The Security Guard, Asian Persuasion and The Downward Dog Eastern Beaches Style

This morning 5am I heard Countess K's alarm go off, she was getting up for her bootcamp class at Bondi and I was just slipping into bed.

The last three days have been crazy to say the least, i've been meaning to write about the latest adventures of the Dirthouse Queens but lately when I'm not out on the town I'll be in a deep sleep, hidden away at the top of this dilapidated mansion.

So, when I gained consciousness around 11:30 this morning, I finally managed to peel myself out of bed, pull on some black leggings, an oversized shirt, my Ralph Lauren chunky knit and made my way towards the front door.

Before I left I grabbed my laptop, keys, piled my hair onto of my head and fixed it with an elastic I found on the floor oh, and of course my sunglasses, thank god for sunglasses.

Phone? Not a fucking clue.

A few minutes later I found myself on Crown Street, ordering a double shot cap and the largest most delicious wild berry muffin I've ever seen and well...now here I am...

This time yesterday I was laying in the dungeon (a small dark spare room located in the depths of the Dirhouse with only one king bed and one dusty book shelf) with Queen L and Lady B. We were listening to Fleetwood Mac on the lowest possible volume and recounting the events of last night and the night before and the night before that. Ouch, my head.

We were all curled up together, the only light that entered the room was from my phone which lit up simontaniously when I received a message from a very handsome yet dangerous new character.

But wait lets not get ahead of ourselves here, I will start from the beginning of this bender - Friday night...

The highlights of Friday night include:

• Leather shirts, skirts, tops and pants
• Teal nail polish and earrings
• A glass or two of wine at the Baxter Inn 
• Biker boy's helmet
• A sneaky appearance at The Beresford
• A strange encounter with a Russian security guard named Adam
• A curry pie in Taylor Square
• A missing Dirthouse Queen
• A drunken call to one Australian reality TV star
• One very long D&M on the Dirthouse couch with Lady B and Mr. D
• A declaration of love 

Saturday morning the girls and I went to breakfast at Candy's and laughed about the events of last night, according to my message log Lady B and I had done a substantial amount of networking in our drunken state. "Now is the perfect time to invest in Heaven On Bourke" was our apparent spiel as we propositioned a number of semi influential Sydney socialites. The rest of the day was spent sunning ourselves in the backyard and laughing about the random things that we remembered. Was there a boy in my bed? one of us asked...

That night we were settling in for Thai food and Harry Potter when I got a call from Thumb Ring guy I wasn't overly fussed by his offer to have a drink at The Soda Factory until he sent me a snap chat of him and his very cute mates. All of a sudden we found ourselves swapping wands and wizards for seamen and sailors downtown at Wentworth Avenue. 

The highlights of Saturday night include: 

• Three shots of vodka to rid ourselves of our current hangover 
• Three Dirthouse Queens and four sailors
• 3 x A Sailors Mule cocktails (naturally) cinnamon infused rum with ginger beer, bitters, fresh lime and finished with a healthy dose of Sailor Jerrys spiced rum $17 each @ The Soda Factory
• Another trip to The Beresford (what is wrong with us?)
• A run in with Adam the security guard (fuck)
• A vanishing act
• A very sweaty group of sailors with one last proposal - North Sydney ladies?
• Another vanishing act
• A very sober walk home with the girls - oh, and a midnight feast @ our Bourke Street local, Turkish Pide. 

Rise and shine ladies, its time to do something productive with our long weekend. At 10 am we decided to complete the Coogee to Bondi run - six hours later we finally made it to the track only to find ourselves waddling along and performing obscure yoga poses (or our interpretation of yoga poses) on the rocks while tourists sneakily snapped our weird behaviour probably to show their friends back home.

Sorry about that Mr. Surfer...

Now that we were back in good health it was obviously time for some Sunday night shenanigans...

Round 3 Ding, ding, ding!!

• One bottle of Rose 
• A very distinct pair of Sass and Bide pants
• A Surry Hills house party with our smexy Asian neighbours
• A trip to The Clock Hotel
• Ramblings with Bala the bartender <3
• Belvedere in beautiful cups
• Five straight boys and three girls at a lesbian bar on Oxford Street - what the?
• The harsh realisation that I don't look like a lesbian (I was the only girl forced to pay cover charge)
• A maxi cab back to Surry Hills 
• A gorgeous white fluffy dog named Shomai  
• An interpretive floor dance - don't ask me how or why

I woke up on a pile of dirty gym clothes still wearing my blazer and my empty clutch beside me. I grabbed Queen L and we walked sheepishly over to the boys house to retrieve the contents of our bags. Still happily intoxicated we collected our cards, lipsticks and phones and I pinched half a tin of sour cream and onion pringles on the way out. When we got home Lady B was cooking breakfast and like any other weekend we all found ourselves on the couch eating greasy food and listening to Daryl Braithwaite "Horses".

After a dozen crisp golden hash browns we retreated to the dungeon...

 Oh, and just in case you're wondering the message from the very handsome yet dangerous new character read: 

"How was your long weekend Ms Paige?" 

and I giggled before replying "very good and you?"


almost instantly he replied...

"What did you get up to..."

Oh he really has no idea ;)

Not-So-Naughty Choc Fudge Brownies

Take away my normal fabulous life and replace it with 4,000 word essays and sleepless instant coffee filled nights why don't you! Yes its that time of the year again, exam period. The super stressful time when the couch becomes my home and I look to my private tutors: pretzels, ice magic, ice cream and nutella to get me through the all-nighters. Well not this time baby! As you all know I'm determined to get a bod similar to those under the #fitspo on Insty, but I'm not going to get there if I keep shoving naughty things into my gob. So, I decided dust off my apron and cook something super yummy but amazingly healthy as a guilt-free way to satisfy my late night study cravings...

Goodbye delicious but very naughty things...

This recipe is based off the wonderful Sarah Britton's Chocolate Fudge Cake  but i've changed it up a tad to make it extra healthy yet equally as delicious! Now I know that some of these ingredients aren't going to sound very appetising and I admit it really is hard to stray from the classic chocolate fudge cake recipe with loads of butter and flour and best of all sugar but this healthy alternative I have found to be the next best thing. So without further ado may I present to you...

Not-so-naughty Choc Fudge Brownies

Ingredients pictured below from left to right include:

• 4 eggs (or one cup of applesauce)
• 3 tablespoons of high quality cocoa 
• 1/2 cup of dark agave syrup
• 1 teaspoon of coconut butter
• 1/2 cup of hazelnuts 
• 1/2 teaspoon of baking powder
• 180 grams of high quality dark chocolate - preferably 70% to 90% cocoa 

AND...

... 1 can of chickpeas drained ;)

Now preheat your assumably lovely made in the 20th century oven to around 180 degrees, the oven in the Dirthouse looks like it was pioneered in the prohibition era with fire that spurts out the back and a door that barely shuts so I have to pre-heat mine to 240 degrees before it gets the right bit toasty. Moral of the story is make sure you have a hot oven, get my gist? 

Now pour your chickpeas into a blender or in my case an immersion blender...

Add your 4 eggs

and blend!

Next pour in your agave (there has been much controversy around agave lately and truth be told while its a healthier alternative to sugar it still has a high fructose level). I'm using dark agave because its what i've got left in my pantry but if you can get your hands on it use date syrup instead. In my eyes a little agave is better than a whole lot of the stuff they put into ice magic anyway. 

Next add your cocoa 

And the baking powder

Blend :)

Mmm...its starting to look chocolatyy!! 

In my variation of this recipe I use less dark chocolate because of the sweetness of the agave, you can still get the delicious rich taste with only using 180 grams and you could probably get away with using even less. 

Melt you plate of deliciousness making sure not to burn the bottom - been there done that!

And pour it into the mix...

mwhahahaha this bad boy is starting to take shape...taste it now - what chickpeas??

The essence of life -

Now add your chocolate chickpea mixture into a larger bowl 

And slowly pour in your desired amount of hazelnuts 

don't forget to fold them through evenly... 

This raw organic coconut butter by Lovingearth in a pantry essential of mine - I pretty much use it in all of my cooking, not only is it creamy and delicious but it's incredibly good for you! This step is completely up to you, I added a teaspoon of the butter to my cake mix and also used some to line the base of my tray. 

Put your fudge brownie cake into the oven and bake for around 30 - 40 mins. 

Don't you just hate that moment just after you've put the cake into the oven and look up to realise you made absolutely huge f*cking mess. I'll just call my maid Sandy into clean this up...Sandy!?

Lol jks, looks like I'm going to have to clean this up myself. 

Take the brownies/cake out (I probably could have cooked mine for a little less as this one below appears to be a little toasty around the edges). 

Cut up into slices and drizzle with some more melted dark chocolate or a mix of coconut oil/butter, cocoa and nativa. 

 

Yum!