My Body Beautiful Challenge

Firstly, I'm sorry. I'm sorry that it's taken me to the end of what was meant to be the first month of the transformation to write this.

People have been asking me about The Dirthouse Queen's Body Beautiful Challenge since I first promoted it at the end of August. Initially it seemed like an amazing idea, in fact I thought it was one of the best ideas I've ever had but bit by bit my marvellous plan started fall to pieces.

The idea was that four girls with four completely different body shapes/types (The DH Queens) would monitor their weight loss journeys over a period of three months (the amount of time until the Aussie summer). We would post each of our personalised regimes, have segments that featured personal trainers and nutritionists and at on the 1st of December we would all reveal to you the bikini bodies that we had been dreaming of.

So we actually did a photo shoot at the start of September but it was totally different to the idea in my head. I had envisioned champagne, all of us girls in robes having a laugh and then a few quick "before" pictures from several different angles.

However it actually went a little more like this...

"Fuck I hate my fucking stomach"

"Ew cottage cheese, get a close up of that shit"

"Wtf I'm too muscly I look like a man in those photos"

and on the contrary comments like these were also being flung around

"Are you serious? I'd rather your stomach than my flubber gut"

"At least your cottage cheese is on your ass where you can hide it...check this shit out."

"Muscly?? Are you fucking with me? You're a dancer...you have no fat so instead of fat you've got pure muscle because if you didn't even have muscle you'd die and you wouldn't be standing here right now with us fat bitches."

As you can see it was a fucking nightmare...instead of feeling empowered the only thing we took away from that experience was a little bit more self hate.

What really happened was that it didn't get easier from there even when some of us started to lose significant amounts of weight. If this was some fabulous glossy magazine I would tell you that we all began this experiment with healthy, clean diets that consisted mostly of whole foods maybe with one cheeky cheat day every week but that wasn't the case. One of us was eating little to nothing because getting that perfect bikini body was more important than properly feeding her body. Another DH Queen was fuelling her body with not much more than coffee and fruit which resulted in massive weight lose at the beginning of the month but soon enough it trickled all back on.

The two of us who were actually eating clean a majority of the time and training really hard saw the least results and when you're working your ass off that can be incredibly disheartening.

We went from being four great friends and housemates to four women possessed who were competing against each other for no good reason at all.

So for the wellbeing of the girls in The Dirthouse I had to pull the plug on this experiment.

But that didn't mean that my goal to feel comfortable in a bikini before summer just went away.

I'm no expert on losing weight but I am a 20-something year old girl. I have tried many diets and failed soooo many times. I've beat myself up and put myself down too many times to even count. But ever so slowly I'm getting there because every time I fail I learn something thats going to help me in the future.

How about I let you in on a little secret...

Below is what was meant to be one of my before photos. It is the most flattering one Queen L took and as you can see I'm hiding my stomach...the part of my body which I dislike the most.

I have wanted to be 60kg since I was 17. And after a while, instead of being determined that I could do it...I had convinced myself that there was no way in the world that I could achieve this goal. I had given up too many times but now I feel like something has shifted in me and I'm willing to do whatever it takes to make peace with my body.

That photo above was taken a month ago to this day. Already I've noticed a huge difference all because I shifted my perspective. Instead of completely focusing all of my time and energy into being 60kg...I got a job, started blogging more and stopped worrying about how much I exercised or what I ate.

And then last week as I noticed the weather starting to get significantly warmer I decided it was time to go bikini shopping. I'll admit when I did get into the change room with a few pairs of bikini's I wasn't exactly excited to try them on. Ever since I moved away from Noosa and put on a bit of weight it's always been a let down trying on a swim suit because I wasn't happy with what I saw in the mirror. It's sad because I grew up wearing nothing but colourful bikini's but since moving to the city I really neglected my body and put more effort into self hate rather than self love.

Anyway I decided to bite the bullet and try on a really lovely bright two piece (lately I've been wearing a one piece to hide my tummy) and I was actually really happy with what I saw in the mirror.

Long story short I bought two pairs and raced home to show the girls!!

Since getting a job I really haven't had time to think about my body let alone analyse it in the mirror, so when I went home and really looked at myself in a bikini for the first time in a month I was blown away by what I saw. My tummy looked leaner and tighter and I no longer felt as inclined to cover it up.  I stepped on the scales to see if anything had changed and I was an astonishingly 3kg down from last month!

There is so much I want to say about this topic that it's kind of bewildering and I don't really want to piss you off by trying to put it into one blog post. As women we have the tendency to obsess, may it be about work or love or our bodies. I believe that I started to lose weight when I shifted my obsession away from looking good to writing a good blog and making a little bit more money. I gave myself enough time to prepare meals for the week but other than that I treated food as fuel to get me through the day. I'm not talking about shitty food either...I'm talking about seriously delicious whole foods! 

Since putting on the bikini I haven't been able to take it off...I even wrote this blog post in them!

I'm not the only Dirthouse Queen who has noticed changes since we decided to bin the The Body Beautiful Challenge idea. In fact this whole thing has kind of become a blessing in disguise. Without the pressure of a three month period and having to post "before" shots on the internet we've all started working towards a bigger goal at our own pace.

So the moral of this story is that becoming comfortable and confident with your body is your own personal journey. Yes, you should use your friends for a little extra motivation perhaps to accompany you on your morning run or go to Zumba with you every Tuesday night but other than that you need to go it alone. Reaching your ideal weight or BMI is not a three month stint...its a gradual learning experience. You will fall off the wagon...you will find yourself eating out the contents of your fridge on the night you allowed yourself to have one too many glasses of red but the most important thing is that you keep going. I always see these motivational quotes about committing yourself 100% and never looking back but its not as easy as that. There will be times when you manage to go a whole month without eating shit food or you'll exercise every day and you'll feel amazing and then you might have a bad week and instead of looking at how far you've actually come all you will be able to see is tim tam crumbs all over your sweater and the word guilty stuck in your mind. But please don't worry because this kind of behaviour is not only normal but it is part of the process!! Trust in the process...see the beautiful photo below which is my definition of "the process".

I am looking forward to seeing what the future holds for me and my body...its been a very rocky ride up until now but thats what learning to love yourself is all about right?

Right!

Dirthouse Queen over and out. Xx

Fresh Meat

Oh wait. Prince Charming does exist. There was no ball this time but he managed to take me to the next best thing Kingsleys. He had the rib on the bone with beamaise and I had a spectacular view of this gorgeous man for the rest of the night. We drank Hendricks on the rocks followed by a beautiful bottle of red followed by more Hendricks on the rocks. He told me about his travels and I filled him in on what I had been doing for the last seven months or so. He admitted that he liked the sound of Heaven On Bourke and was happy to contribute material...perhaps a spontaneous getaway is in the cards?

Oh yes please! 

Not Quite A Cinderella Story

“We have stoner over here thinking that The Dirthouse is the stoner motel and then on the other hand there’s Mr C grade celebrity taking another C grade celebrity to the ball when he should be taking you…see we’re undermining ourselves.” Queen L announces in a heroic manner.

“Well why would anyone want to take a commoner to the ball anyway?” I reply sheepishly. 

*side note we're talking about the Emeralds & Ivy Ball hosted by Ronan Keating, Lady B flashed me a photo of Bill looking dapper in his suit and tie. You couldn't tell if you looked at me now in my dirty grey T-shirt and my old navy Vans but I assure you that I would have been excellent arm candy given the right pair of shoes and maybe a fairy god mother or two.

“Ok I’m going to go and have a shower.” Lady B goes to stand up…

“Don’t go, you have all night to have a shower.” Both Queen L and I pull her back down onto the sofa.

“That’s why I’m going to go have a shower now and then we have all night…”

“To sit here on this disgusting couch like a hopeless bunch of 20-somethings, let her have her shower she isn’t going anywhere…for fuck sake the bitch lives down the hallway.” I feel like the mature one for making the final comment but deep down I don’t want Lady B to leave even just for a shower.

It’s a Friday night and we’re all a pathetic bunch of attention seekers. The internet is down again so instead of downloading Sex and the City we're forced to watch Glee on TV. 

"All I ever wanted to do is spend my life loving you" says the hot dark haired gay guy to the less hot gay guy. They both say yes and then a bunch of perfect looking cast members start singing harmoniously. 

Our faces are scrunched up so much that we look like three grumpy old men who just witnessed a shocking game of lawn bowls. 

"Love is fucked" I sigh.

"At least we have each other" Queen B feeds me a spoon of choc chip cookie dough.

Could we survive in this big bad world without each other? - Probably not. 

If you're just joining us at HOB...

As you can see this blog is split up into a few sections the main two being “somewhere between the city” “and the sea”

Like the very simple format of this blog my life also consists of two major pieces: my fast paced life in Surry Hills, Sydney (somewhere between the city) and my home town of Noosa (and the sea).

This blog is essentially about my life traveling in between what I consider to be two of the most incredible places in the world.

In Noosa I’m just your typical small town girl who loves to hang out at the local farmers market or go surfing with dad. Unfortunately there wasn’t much to write about when I lived in Noosa apart from long lazy afternoons at the beach and the occasional high school peer getting knocked up by some sandy haired grom.

So when I was 17 I packed up my havaianas, extensive collection of bikinis and pretty dresses and headed to the big city in search of a better story to tell. My dream came true when I found myself a room to rent on my beloved Bourke Street, hence the name Heaven On Bourke ;)

You will find that most of the cheeky little stories you read here take place in or around The Dirthouse with a few amazing women I like to refer to as The Dirthouse Queens.

I came to Sydney knowing one person who quickly got very sick of me always hanging around. So I branched out, wiggling my way into many different social circles with my disgustingly dry sense of humor and blatant ignorance for city life. Already I’ve met some pretty interesting characters most of which you can read about somewhere on this blog. From super wealthy business men to starving socialites I have found myself in some very interesting situations to say the least.

So I know right you’re probably thinking yeah, yeah small town girl moves to the big city I’ve heard it all before and you’re right but I can promise you this…HOB is anything but cliché.

Since I was a young girl I’ve taken sick pleasure in discussing the topics that most people shy away from, usually something to do with body hair or masturbation. I think at the end of the day we all have to deal with enough bullshit as consumers so the way I see it is why would I want contribute to your already very full plate of shit?

What I can contribute to cyber space is this: some easy reading (fuck is the only word I know how to spell correctly, the rest is just a bit of a gamble with my online dictionary), a few pictures here and there (I appologise in advance for the terrible quality of most of them) and a compeletly chilled place for you to escape from your reality into the lives of girls who chances are, are just like you. So pour yourself a drink of water in a wine glass (because thats what fancy people do) and enjoy delving into the pages of my life ;) 

*If you’re a man and you’re reading this I’m sorry for the generalisation in the final paragraph, for your trouble please find some pornography located on page 5…of your manual on how not to be a pervert, you will find no porn here! 

Dicks & Dresses

This morning I woke up to a picture of a naked man on my phone...the message above it read:

I slept in and I feel naughty

The first thing I did was not check the photo but check the time.

Shit it's 10:30am

As I swept the sleep out of my eyes I pondered the fact that I'm probably not going to have time to do my morning run. What time am I meeting Chris again? 1:30pm thats right. Must send back that dress today and inquire about another size.

I then remembered that there was a photo of a naked man on my phone.

I checked it...double tapped my screen to zoom into some particular places and then I locked my phone and went to the bathroom.

Must also write that piece on chest hair today was my only other thought.

Moral of the story is don't send me a naked selfie even if you're feeling naughty. If I directly ask for it (which is seriously unlikely) thats fine but if you unexpectedly send me a high angle shot of your manhood it only indicates one thing...your ego is bigger than your dick.

And you can be damn sure that after that little presentation I'm not stroking either of them.

Have a fabulous day all! ;) xxx

P.s this is the dress I bought...nice eh?

Find it here at Wilde Willow

One Dress A Day

Yesterday evening Lady B and I had the pleasure of attending the launch of One Dress A Day. The magic is literally in the name, One Dress A Day is the first ever online store to add a completely new limited edition dress style every single day. No more waiting around to access new stock, in fact if you want to you can get yourself a different outfit for every day of the week. 

So, we ordered our free Uber cab (more about that later) and headed just down the road to the Jupi Showroom. 

On arrival we were greeted with cute bottles of bubbly and other sweet treats...not paleo but 100% necessary to keep your energy levels up when browsing jewellery and sparkly garments. 

I had a quick peek at the site before the launch and I have to say that the pieces look even more eye catching in real life! As you know by now the Dirthouse Queens and I love a big night out on the town but like most curvy girls it takes a lot to find outfits that we feel confident and sexy in. I really love the styles that One Dress A Day provide because they highlight your womanly bits in a really flattering way so that you can slay men while feeling comfortable well into the night!

Lady B's favourite was the Barcelona dress as worn by Olivia Palermo if that means anything to you (to be honest I think the woman is a bit of a wanker but the beading on this dress is really gorgeous).

My pick was this Milan Beaded Shift Dress $199. I don't know whether it was the champagne or the seriously sparkly embroidery but just looking at this LBD put me in a trance. It instantly reminded me of the 1920's which reminded me of Palmer and Co...I could already envision myself walking into the establishment in this dress and finding Mr. Ryan Gosling Lookalike waiting for me by the bar holding a old fashioned in one hand and a coupe style champagne glass in the other. Hmm...

And then I was immediately thrust back into the 21st century as a tray of buttery vanilla cupcakes approached where Lady B and I were standing. Yes please.

We also got to have a cheeky look at the new Kardashian Kollection, after much anticipation Kimmy K and Co's range has finally hit Australia, woo! If anyone knows how to accentuate curves it's got to be these girls right? As I was flicking through the designs I was delighted to see that this new range really covers all basis from sophisticated work attire to something a little sexier for the weekend ;).  If you like the look of any of the dresses I mentioned above including my beloved Milan Beaded Shift Dress head to One Dress A Day's website now! Its 15% of all dresses today and free shipping worldwide...woot woo! www.onedressaday.com 

After we left the launch we decided to head up to Crown Street for some dinner. The Winery on a Tuesday night? Why not.

When at The Winery one must always sample many different wines.

And then we agreed to meet Queen L at The Clock Hotel for one last drink before we all headed back to The Dirthouse.

Because Lady B works in the media she is always in the know about cool promotions. If you live in the Sydney area grab your phone from under your bed (why I hide my phone under my bed) and download the Uber app now! Until Friday 12pm there is an awesome promotion where you can trial the Uber service for free, not only once but twice! Thats two cab rides up to the value of $30/per ride for free. Even if you don't have somewhere special to go I recommend you utilise this awesome offer. Heck pretend you're in an episode of Gossip Girl and get a cab to uni or to the gym...now thats totes Upper East Side.

Thanks again to One Dress A Day for the fab launch...Lady B and I had a great time and absolutely loved the gift bags.

*clear beautifully photographed images provided by One Dress A Day and shitty grainy images provided by my dodgy iPhone 4s.

True Love

So Queen L and I have found ourselves single at the same time.

As you read that you probably started to construct a seductive image in your head - a vivacious red head and a well-spoken brunette sitting side by side sipping red and planning future single girl conquests.

If you did, well thanks...it gives me hope, hope that Queen L will soon slide her ass off my now dead arm and i'll be able to put the lid back on the Ben & Jerrys.

I can see white, which means i've made it to the bottom of the tub. It was a solo mission. I look to Queen L for recognition but she's too busy fingering a jar of Nutella and eyeballing a small child who's singing his heart out on the TV.

"His eyes are too close together, it's fucking disturbing".

What's fucking disturbing is that we're now kind of spooning but not in the sexy girl-on-girl way. We lay like this for several ad breaks.

Every now and then theres an uncomfortable noise that resembles an old dog crying, thats just one of us realising that we have to get back out on the dismal Sydney dating scene.

"Do you think I'm hot?" Queen L asks me

"Looking at you now in your old yoga tights with the crumbs forming on your Kmart hoodie and chocolate residue hanging around the sides of your mouth I'd have to say no - "

She takes in what I say but doesn't bother to do anything about the chocolate around her mouth.

We then continue to sit in silence and although I'm a little sad that it's come to this, I'm glad that I've got my wing woman back.

Today we eat, tomorrow we conquer.

Success & Nothing Less

The past week has been both physically and mentally challenging for me, hence the lack of posts.

I think there is one quote in particular that is responsible for the sudden change of pace in my life...

Usually when I see this quote on Instgram I find myself scrolling past it faster than a cat picture. Why? because even the picture itself scares me. 

The way I see it is - why do scary shit everyday when you can just cruise harmoniously through life doing fun, enjoyable and relaxing stuff instead? We all know the answer to that. 

I will explain how this relates to the week I've just had after I give you a little background info...

For the last four months I have been unemployed. For the first three months when people asked me what my job was I would over compensate for the fact that I had no job by saying stuff like: 

"I don't have a job at the moment because I am a full-time university student, in my last semester of my degree and I am also a blogger and I'm trying to expand my audience by doing a lot of promotional stuff which takes up a lot of time and I actually planned to be unemployed because prior to my current occupational status I was working in public relations and at a bar and did I mention that I'm a full time university student campaigning to stop men from shaving their chest hair?"

Fuck.

And no matter how hard I tried to convince them, they would always give me the same look which pretty much said "ah yeah, sure thing you massive bludger". 

And then under a month ago my attitude changed and I found myself going from the huge, exhausting response above to just:

"Well, I don't have a job at the moment"

I still got that same look but I figured that I was the lucky one who had all the free time in the world to do the stuff I love. 

And didn't I absolutely milk those four months for all they were worth...

I moved a lot

And sat on rocks and pondered the meaning of life

I exercised my baking skills

And pondered some more...

I drank a lot of tea and read a lot of free magazines that I picked up on the street (could no longer afford my beloved trashy weeklies and monthlies) 

I ate a lot of breakfast in Surry Hills - for research purposes only ;) The Surry Hills Breakfast Club

And moved some more

And cooked some more

And then combined my love of moving with my love of socialising 

And spent every spare second by the sea

Of course there was more to the last four months than just moving, socialising, cooking and pondering...I also did a fair bit of heavy research based study (blogging)... 

You could say that my life was pretty amazing...perfect even. I was sublimely happy doing a whole lot of nothing, that was until last week when I was scrolling aimlessly through Instagram and bam there it was again. I tried to scroll past it but my page wouldn't refresh. Refresh you bastard refresh!

So I decided to face the quote which immediately made me feel guilty because the truth was that I hadn't done one scary thing since I quit my job. Just because I hadn't been out of my comfort zone in a while didn't mean that I hadn't watched others around me face their fears and reap the benefits. 

I watched an incredible girl apply for a promotion and get it, my brother decide that he was going to go for school captain (which is something I chickened out of in high school because I was too worried that people weren't going to vote for me), watch a close friend completely conquer his fear of public speaking and a girlfriend break up with the guy she had been with for five years. These were just a handful of the cases that I witnessed and while my family and friends were facing their fears what was I doing? Sitting on a rock somewhere and making up problems in my head to ponder. 

So, I decided to actually stop fucking around and do something everyday this week that not only made me feel a little bit uncomfortable but scared the absolute shit out of me. 

This is what I came up with:

• I walked into a place I could see myself working at and applied for a job
• I put myself through a ridiculously awkward Skype job interview with the two owners of the company that I wanted to work for
• I stood up in front of 50 strangers and pitched an idea that I thought people would think was a massive joke (and not in the good way)
• I fitted a bra on a nude middle aged woman and then tried to convince her I knew what I was talking about when it came to luna beads
• I told a guy who I like absolutely everything on my mind no matter how stupid or insignificant it probably sounded.
• and for the first time in my life I allowed a room full of people to brutally anaylise and pick to shreds a personal portfolio of work.

The result?

• I got a job that I actually LOVE
• I made new friends 
• I got constructive feedback on my writing style
• I was accepted by a room full of complete strangers for my outrageous idea
• I learnt that luna beads are increible for strengthening your pelvic muscles and that middle aged women will pay over $200 to have them strengthen theirs
• Had the guy I like look at me like I was a bit of an emotionally unstable dickhead but the new outlook I gained outweighed the awkwardness of having the conversation.

Just by doing something that frightened me everyday I experienced some really incredible gains. I also experienced more developments in my life in one week than during an entire four month period. Thats not to say that I didn't nearly shit myself everyday this week. As you can imagine after four months of unemployment I wasn't exactly equipped to handle the stress that I was suddenly putting on myself.

So look the moral of this story is that doing shit that scares you is not fun in fact it can be fucking horrifying but that is why it is so important that we challenge ourselves everyday. Removing ourselves from our comfort zones once in a while is essential to our development as strong capible human beings. Like an instagram feed we can coninue to scroll through life or we can stop and take a look at the bigger picture, honing in on the aspects of our lives that can be improved just by making a few ballsy choices. Without fear, without weakness we cannot truly experience life's great successes...yeah you might feel like you're in over your head but its better to be out there in the rat race than sitting on a rock somewhere pondering the life that you could have if you were just brave enough to go and get it. 

Go get it baby ;)