We are all currently kinda dating someone and have been dating that someone for months and even years now. Yet, none of us have really progressed past those initial stages of a relationship.
Queen L had a boyfriend but then he went away so it was put on hold, he got back about a month ago but he's not her boyfriend anymore because, time changed something or something but he still comes over and leaves his plaid shirt and esky in our living room.
Queen K is also seeing someone in fact she has been casually seeing him for years...years of foreplay has finally turned into something that resembles the beginning of a relationship but we can't know for sure because I have lived in The Dirthouse for years now and I have never seen this man she speaks of.
And as for me well, what problems don't I have in regards to my current relationship status?
So last Sunday morning all of us single gals found ourselves sitting in the lounge room in silence. Intermittently staring at our phones, then staring at the wall and then back at our phones and then to each other. Finally I felt obliged to stand up and say...
"What the fuck are we actually doing?"
Queen L then suggested that we read, because smart girls spend their time immersed in timeless literature and dumb girls sit on the couch and think about boys. So we all headed to the library in the dungeon to see what literary masterpieces we could find.
*side note - another reason why I love The Dirthouse is because we have our own library which is made up of random books that none of us actually bought. These books have been left here by single girls who have lived in this dilapidated mansion before us, kind of like they are handing down their knowledge to the next generation of DH Queens.
The first book we picked up was "He's Just Not That Into You"the incredible creation of expert dating duo Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo. Im sure you've all seen the movie, but nothing and I mean nothing can prepare you for the book which is wildly different, much funnier and million times more ruthless than the movie adaptation.
On opening this shabby book with its yellow tinged pages and suggestive water stains it soon became obvious that the girl/s who had read this before us couldn't handle Greg Behrendt's no bullshit approach, leaving evidence of their tears throughout the novel.
I'm not going to lie, it's fucking hardcore especially if you're currently making excuses for a man in your life. The main lesson we took away from He's Just Not That Into You is that "no answer is your answer". If he's not returning your phone calls, if he's not texting you first or if he's just straight up disappeared on you, his lack of participation in the initial dating process is your answer. He's just not that into you.
The rule "no answer is your answer" also applies when you want to hook a respective partner, this means instead of returning his phone call straight away the right answer would be to not reply for a considerable amount of time. This should supposedly keep him interested and in turn make him fall in love with you.
The second book we decided to take turns in reading was The Manual written by notorious bad boy Steve Santagati. Although it is similar to He's Just Not That Into You, it also gives you insight into the smaller details like why men don't like to cuddle, why woman should dress for men instead of other women and how to play little games in order to get a guy to fall in love with you.
"Over thinking is the root of all evil in relationships" was the winning line from this book. Over thinking is my main problem in life in general so this quote really resonated with me,
And Queen L...
And Queen K...
And in an attempt to take the advice we had just been given and stop over thinking about our current relationships we decided to stop reading the books. Yes they were highly informative, they were also incredibly confronting and the truth was not something we were ready to face early on a Sunday morning. So there we sat once again immersed in our own thoughts. The deafening silence was suddenly broken by the familiar sound of my phone vibrating. It was him. My heart started to race and I reached over to answer it but Queen L snatched it off the table.
"No answer is your answer!" she screeched.
I watched in anticipation as the phone eventually rang out.
Although I didn't answer the phone I didn't really think these rules applied to me. I mean I had been seeing the same guy for months now, we weren't in the initial dating process and I didn't feel the need to play games with him. But a few minutes after I purposely missed the call, he messaged me. I replied an hour later with something short and vague and he came back instantly with a more substantial response. I didn't reply. He then called me again that night and this time I answered. He seemed more eager to talk to me than he had in weeks.
I suddenly felt bitterly disappointed. This man didn't want me, he wanted to play the game. I tried to date someone older to avoid exactly this however in the end his level of game playing experience is what kept me blindsided for months. I stopped talking to him the next day.
This time I wasn't using silence as a weapon to get him back, I was using silence to take myself out of the game.
Like Mr Behrendt says "why waste the pretty"especially on some smooth talking schmuck who doesn't know what he's got until its gone?
That night I went to bed alone, well not quite...
The next morning I woke up feeling like shit but I knew that I'd made the right move. Now I'm 100% back on the market...but fella's please be made aware that I am no game of trouble , you cannot play with me...for if you do I will take this knife a cut you a large slice of reality.
My favourite quote out of both books in this weeks Dirthouse Book Club was:
“It's very tempting when you really want to be with someone to settle for much, much less -- even a vague pathetic facsimile of less -- than you would have ever imagined. Remember always what you set out to get and please don't settle for less. These guys exist because there are a lot of women out there who allow them to.”
― Greg Behrendt
Maybe there's no denying that "love games" exist and you can't control the way that these rules affect your dating life but you can control the people you choose to play with. If you don't like how a man is making you feel then don't let him get away with it by turning a blind eye to his shit. You deserve many moons more than that.
I know, I know it sounds easier said than done but deep down they are just as lost as we are, I promise you.
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