International Fleet Review 2013 - An Officer & A Dirthouse Queen

I'm sure you're all aware that my main mission in life last week was to find a sailor during International Fleet Week and well...kiss him. I thought hey, how hard can it be with over 55 ships sailing into town carrying over 8000 sailors and one Prince Harry. Well I'll tell you right now it wasn't as easy as I thought it would be, for a few reasons...

Reason 1: I now have a job that requires me to be hidden away in a small dark box for many hours of the day.

Reason 2: After I finish this job at around 8pm I am too exhausted to even reach for the remote let alone venture out into the city and chase seamen around a bar.

Reason 3: Half of them don't even wear their uniform out and can easily be mistaken for regular men, which can be very, very deceiving.

Anyway Queen L and I decided to give it our best shot, at least for the sake of the blog (the amount of times that I have said that before allowing myself to do crazy shit).

After we watched the fireworks we decided to head to Cargo bar. I don't usually like going out in Darling Harbour but we figured that it's by the sea...and it would be the best place to find seamen in their natural habitat because they like the sea don't they? Excellent conclusion I know.

Queen L bought us a round and we proceeded to take our position...

Ready, Aim, Fire!

To be honest there weren't many seamen out in uniform at all...at least not at the bar we went to. The poor chap below even had a lovely girlfriend who was nice enough to offer to take this picture for us.

I was about to give up and head home to my comfortable bed when suddenly I felt someone approach me from behind. This move was perfectly executed and totally uncalculated by me and my trusty confederate (Queen L) obviously it was being conducted by someone will a little more experience than your average sailor...

Hello Officer ;)

It was a fleeting moment of passion, heightened emotions and burning desire...well for me anyway. By the looks of the picture below the poor wide-eyed officer had no idea what was coming. He walked away weak in the knees (probably not) and admitting defeat and Queen L and I high-fived each other like a couple of teenage boys. 

Mission accomplished.

Alone in the City

Its dreary day in Surry Hills today, which reminds me of something...

In high school I had a best friend who was a bit of a homebody. She kept me grounded throughout my senior years and when I did find myself in trouble with boys or other girls (which was quite frequently) her house became my refuge.

Sometimes we would wag school just to go back to her beautiful seaside home, eat ravioli and watch countless episodes of whatever her domestic goddess mother was into at the time. 

She opened my eyes to countless sexy soaps including Nip Tuck, Greys Anatomy, Desperate Housewives and Californication. 

Then there was one stormy afternoon, when I was feeling particularly unhappy and I remember laying in her bed with her beautiful white linen doona over my head when I heard a very catchy tune.

I then remember peeling the covers away from my face and seeing my friend perched enthusiastically on the end of her bed staring wide eyed at a curly blonde haired girl, who had forgotten her bra and looked like she was about to get hit by a bus. 

I remember her then turning to me and saying something along the lines of "this is the best fucking show you'll ever see."

And my beautiful friend was right. Like so many other women around the world after the first episode of Sex and the City I was hooked. I even failed legal studies in year 11 because I would sneak out of school early on Wednesday just to try and finish each series before mum got home. 

My love for SATC and its relevance to my life is so fucking cliche but I admit over the years it's saved me when I've been in some pretty miserable situations. 

Moving to Sydney is a perfect example...

Below is a photo of my very first room in Sydney. To put it bluntly this room was a nicely furnished cell, in a massive cold concrete building in Randwick. I arrived with only one piece of carry on luggage  which included a towel, a little red bag of makeup/tampons/vitamins, one pair of shoes, a dress and one sheet. The pillow in the photo I purchased on day two...on the first day I vividly remember sleeping on my arm for support.

I ate alone and I wrote alone. I had gone from living in a tight knit community where I had an awesome support system to having no family and knowing no one. For the first few days I was even scared of using the public transport system as I had no idea how it worked and was too scared to ask anyone, needless to say I got used to walking EVERYWHERE. On the third night I sat down to dinner (a bowl of Coles crunchy salad and a tin of tuna was the only thing I could make at 17...sad I know) and because I had no internet and no TV I was planning on watching a movie on my laptop until I found that they had all been accidentally erased by my little brother. 

All I wanted was to engage in something, anything that took my mind off being totally alone in the big city and when I found that I couldn't access any of the movies on my computer I lost my shit. I pushed the bland tasteless salad to the side and slammed shut my computer. 

Now I don't know whether it was the sheer force of the screen shutting or an act of jebus but I suddenly heard something ejecting itself from my laptop. Out of the CD slot appeared a little bloody miracle. 

The first season of Sex and the City.

I had no idea that it was in there the whole time but I tell you what I was so grateful that it was. That one disc, hands down got me through my first week in Sydney. At least until some of my shoes arrived.

As outrageously lame as it sounds the SATC girls were my only friends in the city until The Dirthouse Queens came along. They kept the dream alive on the days that I would catch the wrong bus and end up in the middle of nowhere or get ripped off by a cab driver who could smell my ignorance from a mile away. In hindsight I think it's funny and a little bit sick how much I relied on a cheesy HBO television show but whatever gets you through the day I say.

These days I'm incredibly lucky that I rarely ever feel lonely. I am so blessed to live with three beautiful girls who are always there for me whenever I need them. Thats not to say that I don't value my alone time, in fact if theres one thing that first week in Sydney taught me it would be to really cherish being alone and doing exactly what you want to do. Before you know it there will probably be several other people in your life that you will always have to account for, may it be a boyfriend, a best friend or a little further down the track a child or two. Saviour the time you have to be selfish and the time you have to answer to no one but yourself because this time is fleeting and when it's gone it's gone. 

Moral of the story is that sometimes its really good to be alone but on those occasions that you just want some girly company, you know where to find us...

At The Dirthouse of course!

Xx

My Body Beautiful Challenge

Firstly, I'm sorry. I'm sorry that it's taken me to the end of what was meant to be the first month of the transformation to write this.

People have been asking me about The Dirthouse Queen's Body Beautiful Challenge since I first promoted it at the end of August. Initially it seemed like an amazing idea, in fact I thought it was one of the best ideas I've ever had but bit by bit my marvellous plan started fall to pieces.

The idea was that four girls with four completely different body shapes/types (The DH Queens) would monitor their weight loss journeys over a period of three months (the amount of time until the Aussie summer). We would post each of our personalised regimes, have segments that featured personal trainers and nutritionists and at on the 1st of December we would all reveal to you the bikini bodies that we had been dreaming of.

So we actually did a photo shoot at the start of September but it was totally different to the idea in my head. I had envisioned champagne, all of us girls in robes having a laugh and then a few quick "before" pictures from several different angles.

However it actually went a little more like this...

"Fuck I hate my fucking stomach"

"Ew cottage cheese, get a close up of that shit"

"Wtf I'm too muscly I look like a man in those photos"

and on the contrary comments like these were also being flung around

"Are you serious? I'd rather your stomach than my flubber gut"

"At least your cottage cheese is on your ass where you can hide it...check this shit out."

"Muscly?? Are you fucking with me? You're a dancer...you have no fat so instead of fat you've got pure muscle because if you didn't even have muscle you'd die and you wouldn't be standing here right now with us fat bitches."

As you can see it was a fucking nightmare...instead of feeling empowered the only thing we took away from that experience was a little bit more self hate.

What really happened was that it didn't get easier from there even when some of us started to lose significant amounts of weight. If this was some fabulous glossy magazine I would tell you that we all began this experiment with healthy, clean diets that consisted mostly of whole foods maybe with one cheeky cheat day every week but that wasn't the case. One of us was eating little to nothing because getting that perfect bikini body was more important than properly feeding her body. Another DH Queen was fuelling her body with not much more than coffee and fruit which resulted in massive weight lose at the beginning of the month but soon enough it trickled all back on.

The two of us who were actually eating clean a majority of the time and training really hard saw the least results and when you're working your ass off that can be incredibly disheartening.

We went from being four great friends and housemates to four women possessed who were competing against each other for no good reason at all.

So for the wellbeing of the girls in The Dirthouse I had to pull the plug on this experiment.

But that didn't mean that my goal to feel comfortable in a bikini before summer just went away.

I'm no expert on losing weight but I am a 20-something year old girl. I have tried many diets and failed soooo many times. I've beat myself up and put myself down too many times to even count. But ever so slowly I'm getting there because every time I fail I learn something thats going to help me in the future.

How about I let you in on a little secret...

Below is what was meant to be one of my before photos. It is the most flattering one Queen L took and as you can see I'm hiding my stomach...the part of my body which I dislike the most.

I have wanted to be 60kg since I was 17. And after a while, instead of being determined that I could do it...I had convinced myself that there was no way in the world that I could achieve this goal. I had given up too many times but now I feel like something has shifted in me and I'm willing to do whatever it takes to make peace with my body.

That photo above was taken a month ago to this day. Already I've noticed a huge difference all because I shifted my perspective. Instead of completely focusing all of my time and energy into being 60kg...I got a job, started blogging more and stopped worrying about how much I exercised or what I ate.

And then last week as I noticed the weather starting to get significantly warmer I decided it was time to go bikini shopping. I'll admit when I did get into the change room with a few pairs of bikini's I wasn't exactly excited to try them on. Ever since I moved away from Noosa and put on a bit of weight it's always been a let down trying on a swim suit because I wasn't happy with what I saw in the mirror. It's sad because I grew up wearing nothing but colourful bikini's but since moving to the city I really neglected my body and put more effort into self hate rather than self love.

Anyway I decided to bite the bullet and try on a really lovely bright two piece (lately I've been wearing a one piece to hide my tummy) and I was actually really happy with what I saw in the mirror.

Long story short I bought two pairs and raced home to show the girls!!

Since getting a job I really haven't had time to think about my body let alone analyse it in the mirror, so when I went home and really looked at myself in a bikini for the first time in a month I was blown away by what I saw. My tummy looked leaner and tighter and I no longer felt as inclined to cover it up.  I stepped on the scales to see if anything had changed and I was an astonishingly 3kg down from last month!

There is so much I want to say about this topic that it's kind of bewildering and I don't really want to piss you off by trying to put it into one blog post. As women we have the tendency to obsess, may it be about work or love or our bodies. I believe that I started to lose weight when I shifted my obsession away from looking good to writing a good blog and making a little bit more money. I gave myself enough time to prepare meals for the week but other than that I treated food as fuel to get me through the day. I'm not talking about shitty food either...I'm talking about seriously delicious whole foods! 

Since putting on the bikini I haven't been able to take it off...I even wrote this blog post in them!

I'm not the only Dirthouse Queen who has noticed changes since we decided to bin the The Body Beautiful Challenge idea. In fact this whole thing has kind of become a blessing in disguise. Without the pressure of a three month period and having to post "before" shots on the internet we've all started working towards a bigger goal at our own pace.

So the moral of this story is that becoming comfortable and confident with your body is your own personal journey. Yes, you should use your friends for a little extra motivation perhaps to accompany you on your morning run or go to Zumba with you every Tuesday night but other than that you need to go it alone. Reaching your ideal weight or BMI is not a three month stint...its a gradual learning experience. You will fall off the wagon...you will find yourself eating out the contents of your fridge on the night you allowed yourself to have one too many glasses of red but the most important thing is that you keep going. I always see these motivational quotes about committing yourself 100% and never looking back but its not as easy as that. There will be times when you manage to go a whole month without eating shit food or you'll exercise every day and you'll feel amazing and then you might have a bad week and instead of looking at how far you've actually come all you will be able to see is tim tam crumbs all over your sweater and the word guilty stuck in your mind. But please don't worry because this kind of behaviour is not only normal but it is part of the process!! Trust in the process...see the beautiful photo below which is my definition of "the process".

I am looking forward to seeing what the future holds for me and my body...its been a very rocky ride up until now but thats what learning to love yourself is all about right?

Right!

Dirthouse Queen over and out. Xx

Fresh Meat

Oh wait. Prince Charming does exist. There was no ball this time but he managed to take me to the next best thing Kingsleys. He had the rib on the bone with beamaise and I had a spectacular view of this gorgeous man for the rest of the night. We drank Hendricks on the rocks followed by a beautiful bottle of red followed by more Hendricks on the rocks. He told me about his travels and I filled him in on what I had been doing for the last seven months or so. He admitted that he liked the sound of Heaven On Bourke and was happy to contribute material...perhaps a spontaneous getaway is in the cards?

Oh yes please! 

Not Quite A Cinderella Story

“We have stoner over here thinking that The Dirthouse is the stoner motel and then on the other hand there’s Mr C grade celebrity taking another C grade celebrity to the ball when he should be taking you…see we’re undermining ourselves.” Queen L announces in a heroic manner.

“Well why would anyone want to take a commoner to the ball anyway?” I reply sheepishly. 

*side note we're talking about the Emeralds & Ivy Ball hosted by Ronan Keating, Lady B flashed me a photo of Bill looking dapper in his suit and tie. You couldn't tell if you looked at me now in my dirty grey T-shirt and my old navy Vans but I assure you that I would have been excellent arm candy given the right pair of shoes and maybe a fairy god mother or two.

“Ok I’m going to go and have a shower.” Lady B goes to stand up…

“Don’t go, you have all night to have a shower.” Both Queen L and I pull her back down onto the sofa.

“That’s why I’m going to go have a shower now and then we have all night…”

“To sit here on this disgusting couch like a hopeless bunch of 20-somethings, let her have her shower she isn’t going anywhere…for fuck sake the bitch lives down the hallway.” I feel like the mature one for making the final comment but deep down I don’t want Lady B to leave even just for a shower.

It’s a Friday night and we’re all a pathetic bunch of attention seekers. The internet is down again so instead of downloading Sex and the City we're forced to watch Glee on TV. 

"All I ever wanted to do is spend my life loving you" says the hot dark haired gay guy to the less hot gay guy. They both say yes and then a bunch of perfect looking cast members start singing harmoniously. 

Our faces are scrunched up so much that we look like three grumpy old men who just witnessed a shocking game of lawn bowls. 

"Love is fucked" I sigh.

"At least we have each other" Queen B feeds me a spoon of choc chip cookie dough.

Could we survive in this big bad world without each other? - Probably not. 

If you're just joining us at HOB...

As you can see this blog is split up into a few sections the main two being “somewhere between the city” “and the sea”

Like the very simple format of this blog my life also consists of two major pieces: my fast paced life in Surry Hills, Sydney (somewhere between the city) and my home town of Noosa (and the sea).

This blog is essentially about my life traveling in between what I consider to be two of the most incredible places in the world.

In Noosa I’m just your typical small town girl who loves to hang out at the local farmers market or go surfing with dad. Unfortunately there wasn’t much to write about when I lived in Noosa apart from long lazy afternoons at the beach and the occasional high school peer getting knocked up by some sandy haired grom.

So when I was 17 I packed up my havaianas, extensive collection of bikinis and pretty dresses and headed to the big city in search of a better story to tell. My dream came true when I found myself a room to rent on my beloved Bourke Street, hence the name Heaven On Bourke ;)

You will find that most of the cheeky little stories you read here take place in or around The Dirthouse with a few amazing women I like to refer to as The Dirthouse Queens.

I came to Sydney knowing one person who quickly got very sick of me always hanging around. So I branched out, wiggling my way into many different social circles with my disgustingly dry sense of humor and blatant ignorance for city life. Already I’ve met some pretty interesting characters most of which you can read about somewhere on this blog. From super wealthy business men to starving socialites I have found myself in some very interesting situations to say the least.

So I know right you’re probably thinking yeah, yeah small town girl moves to the big city I’ve heard it all before and you’re right but I can promise you this…HOB is anything but cliché.

Since I was a young girl I’ve taken sick pleasure in discussing the topics that most people shy away from, usually something to do with body hair or masturbation. I think at the end of the day we all have to deal with enough bullshit as consumers so the way I see it is why would I want contribute to your already very full plate of shit?

What I can contribute to cyber space is this: some easy reading (fuck is the only word I know how to spell correctly, the rest is just a bit of a gamble with my online dictionary), a few pictures here and there (I appologise in advance for the terrible quality of most of them) and a compeletly chilled place for you to escape from your reality into the lives of girls who chances are, are just like you. So pour yourself a drink of water in a wine glass (because thats what fancy people do) and enjoy delving into the pages of my life ;) 

*If you’re a man and you’re reading this I’m sorry for the generalisation in the final paragraph, for your trouble please find some pornography located on page 5…of your manual on how not to be a pervert, you will find no porn here! 

Dicks & Dresses

This morning I woke up to a picture of a naked man on my phone...the message above it read:

I slept in and I feel naughty

The first thing I did was not check the photo but check the time.

Shit it's 10:30am

As I swept the sleep out of my eyes I pondered the fact that I'm probably not going to have time to do my morning run. What time am I meeting Chris again? 1:30pm thats right. Must send back that dress today and inquire about another size.

I then remembered that there was a photo of a naked man on my phone.

I checked it...double tapped my screen to zoom into some particular places and then I locked my phone and went to the bathroom.

Must also write that piece on chest hair today was my only other thought.

Moral of the story is don't send me a naked selfie even if you're feeling naughty. If I directly ask for it (which is seriously unlikely) thats fine but if you unexpectedly send me a high angle shot of your manhood it only indicates one thing...your ego is bigger than your dick.

And you can be damn sure that after that little presentation I'm not stroking either of them.

Have a fabulous day all! ;) xxx

P.s this is the dress I bought...nice eh?

Find it here at Wilde Willow

One Dress A Day

Yesterday evening Lady B and I had the pleasure of attending the launch of One Dress A Day. The magic is literally in the name, One Dress A Day is the first ever online store to add a completely new limited edition dress style every single day. No more waiting around to access new stock, in fact if you want to you can get yourself a different outfit for every day of the week. 

So, we ordered our free Uber cab (more about that later) and headed just down the road to the Jupi Showroom. 

On arrival we were greeted with cute bottles of bubbly and other sweet treats...not paleo but 100% necessary to keep your energy levels up when browsing jewellery and sparkly garments. 

I had a quick peek at the site before the launch and I have to say that the pieces look even more eye catching in real life! As you know by now the Dirthouse Queens and I love a big night out on the town but like most curvy girls it takes a lot to find outfits that we feel confident and sexy in. I really love the styles that One Dress A Day provide because they highlight your womanly bits in a really flattering way so that you can slay men while feeling comfortable well into the night!

Lady B's favourite was the Barcelona dress as worn by Olivia Palermo if that means anything to you (to be honest I think the woman is a bit of a wanker but the beading on this dress is really gorgeous).

My pick was this Milan Beaded Shift Dress $199. I don't know whether it was the champagne or the seriously sparkly embroidery but just looking at this LBD put me in a trance. It instantly reminded me of the 1920's which reminded me of Palmer and Co...I could already envision myself walking into the establishment in this dress and finding Mr. Ryan Gosling Lookalike waiting for me by the bar holding a old fashioned in one hand and a coupe style champagne glass in the other. Hmm...

And then I was immediately thrust back into the 21st century as a tray of buttery vanilla cupcakes approached where Lady B and I were standing. Yes please.

We also got to have a cheeky look at the new Kardashian Kollection, after much anticipation Kimmy K and Co's range has finally hit Australia, woo! If anyone knows how to accentuate curves it's got to be these girls right? As I was flicking through the designs I was delighted to see that this new range really covers all basis from sophisticated work attire to something a little sexier for the weekend ;).  If you like the look of any of the dresses I mentioned above including my beloved Milan Beaded Shift Dress head to One Dress A Day's website now! Its 15% of all dresses today and free shipping worldwide...woot woo! www.onedressaday.com 

After we left the launch we decided to head up to Crown Street for some dinner. The Winery on a Tuesday night? Why not.

When at The Winery one must always sample many different wines.

And then we agreed to meet Queen L at The Clock Hotel for one last drink before we all headed back to The Dirthouse.

Because Lady B works in the media she is always in the know about cool promotions. If you live in the Sydney area grab your phone from under your bed (why I hide my phone under my bed) and download the Uber app now! Until Friday 12pm there is an awesome promotion where you can trial the Uber service for free, not only once but twice! Thats two cab rides up to the value of $30/per ride for free. Even if you don't have somewhere special to go I recommend you utilise this awesome offer. Heck pretend you're in an episode of Gossip Girl and get a cab to uni or to the gym...now thats totes Upper East Side.

Thanks again to One Dress A Day for the fab launch...Lady B and I had a great time and absolutely loved the gift bags.

*clear beautifully photographed images provided by One Dress A Day and shitty grainy images provided by my dodgy iPhone 4s.