Girl Crush: The Illustrious Nigella Lawson

When I was growing up I was never the first option to play the princess, being a natural brunette I always had to be the boy.

My envy of the girls with long blonde hair was soon forgotten when I was 14 and discovered someone far better than any golden haired princess...Nigella Lawson.

With her thick dark hair and smouldering features I loved pretending to be Nigella in the kitchen when no one was home.

To this day I am still guilty of coming home late at night, throwing my coat over a chair and imitating the way she glides effortlessly around the kitchen, licking and fondling everything in sight as if it's foreplay for the taste buds. And then I'll probably choke on a slice of cheese or Ms P will walk in and ask me whatever the fuck I'm doing whispering sweet nothings into the fridge.

Let's leave it to the expert shall we? Some of my all time favourite Nigella moments...


Caramel Croissant Pudding: Heels off, jewellery off and bourbon on the table, this is how you make caramel and exercise Nigella style.

Chocolate Pistachio Fudge: This Christmas I'm giving Nigella my heart...the way she pours condensed milk makes me want to cry.

And of course chocolate, chocolate and more chocolate: Nigella takes us through her repertoire of cooking chocolate all whilst dressed in a scant satin robe.

Has Nigella worked her magic and left you longing for something sweet and comforting? I thought so, click here for all of her recipes or click here for a waist friendly option: My Sugar Free Not-So-Naughty Chocolate Brownies.

Life's short, eat chocolate and act like a goddess even when you're just microwaving Easy Mac.

xx

Mr P.S

Mr P.S is one man that I certainly won't be Dragoning any time soon. Do explain you say...

Well, lately I have been the subject of something called chevaleresque as the gorgeous French designer at work calls it.

For the rest of us typical Australian boags chevaleresque means chivalry, still don’t understand what it is? 

Oh! That’s because it doesn’t exist anymore (thanks boys) 

Well it didn’t in my fickle little world until I met Mr R which subsequently triggered some sort of bizarre ripple effect in my personal life. 

As Mr R packed up shop and disappeared back to Costa Rica I was ready to settle into the Winter alone with my Target bear onesie, a minuscule hot water bottle (that doesn’t even cover one bum cheek) and enough cookies and cream Quest Bars to fuel an entire army. 

That was of course until I met Mr P.S completely by accident. 

Ohhh Mr P.S

Long story short Mr P.S and I met at a new bar in Double Bay called Casablanca.

We locked eyes from across the room (duh) and as he was leaving he slipped me a piece of paper.
which said:

Dear brunette with green eyes, 

Your friend looks angry, maybe you should get her something to eat? 

M. 

          P.S I’d love to see you again my number is ...

It was the best note and P.S I had ever received.

Since then he's put every man I've ever dated to shame by sending bunches of flowers, tickets and even organising a romantic escape to The Hunter Valley. 

I can't stay it's unpleasant dating someone who does everything in excess. I mean...

You can stay at a B&B or you can stay at Chateau Elan...

You can stop and grab something quick to eat or you can cosy in for a 3 course meal.

You can get the courtesy bus to a winery or you can get a private helicopter...

Provided it stays parked outside Peterson's Champagne House while you sample the extensive range of bubbly.

You can order in or you can have a 400 day grain fed, premium piece of meat and a bottle of wine chosen especially for the occasion..

You can be a skinny bitch and have the meal sans gravy or you can be a big fatty like me and drown the meat in a pool of sticky deliciousness. 

You can walk back to your room or you can have a buggy drive you straight to the front door of your villa.

You can watch TV or you can watch the sunset and think how the fuck did I get so lucky?

You can date a man who is too afraid to be romantic or you can have a man who never underestimates the importance of finer details...

Like rose petals on the bed.

Sighhhh.

I don't want to brag but I feel as those I've picked Mr P.S straight out of the Silver Screen. Whenever I'm on a date with him it feels like I'm in a movie.

I know that half of you reading this are currently making vomiting noises - but dammit! I just don't care. 

Chivalry/chevaleresque whatever you want to call it, does still exist. Clearly.

Let's see how long he can stay in character shall we, and pray to the heavens that it never falls to shit.

What are the odds do you think? Ok maybe don't answer that.

Just let me enjoy the beginning of this love story ;)

xx

How to Master the Delicate Art of Dragoning a Man

Like most things The Dragon Movement began in the executive suite of The Shangri-la one rainy weekend.

Four girls were recovering in a king sized bed. Three looked on as one girl mulled over her response to a very endearing text message she'd just receive from a super dickhead.

My friend Lena was sort of dating this guy who was notorious in Noosa for being a lady killer. Although he had lost most of his charm since high school there was still something about him that drew unsuspecting women in. Our girl was in the know but like any protective friends we were worried that eventually she'd give in and then...sting!

"What's he saying now?" I asked stroking Ms P's head.

She gigged before reading out the message loud and clear.

"What a fucking load of horse shit" Rita said bum in the air and hands covering her ears.

"I agree," I said

"He's just buttering you up." 

"It's nice but look it was sent at 4:31 am" Ms P added sympathising with little Lena bear.

"Most likely drunk and down to f*ck," I admitted

"What are you going to write back?"

We all brain stormed ideas out loud - everything from 'aw thanks babe, my night was good how was yours?' to a simple 'haha thanks' but nothing we thought of had enough of a kick. 

Finally Rita sat up in bed.

"Just send him an emoji" she said. 

"YES!" - Lena

"A thumbs up" - Ms P

"Nooo a thumbs down" - Me

"No I've got it, I've got it" Rita said taking Lena's phone and searching through the hand gestures.

"There!"

Rita looked pleased with herself, I looked highly amused, Ms P shook her head and Lena looked like she was about to be sick.

In a matter of seconds he had read it and the three dots appeared - he was typing back faster than he had before.

"He's going to break it off with me," Lena said

"Not that I care." - oh but she did.

and then there in the suite a miracle occurred.

"YES!" Rita punched the air

Lena beamed with delight and I laughed now braiding Ms P's hair.

Lena started responding when Rita grabbed the phone from her hands.

"You can't write that Lena," Rita said.

"Can write what?" asked Ms P

"She was going to write: me too babe with an x at the end!"

"Ah you can't do that," I said.

"You've just gained the power, you can't give it back"

"Why not?" Lena questioned.

"Because you'll write that and then he won't reply again."

Rita agreed and so did Ms P.

"You need to up the ante my friend."

The Rules of Dragoning:

Who do you Dragon? Any man or woman who thinks they have texting power over you. Usually the person you like the most. Anyone who has ever forced you to hide your phone in a sock under your bed.

When do you Dragon? Whenever they initiate conversation purely for their own personal fulfilment e.g. booty call, ego stroke, boredom. 

Why should you Dragon them? Ladies, it's about time we took back the texting power. Let me show you why The Dragon works...

A picture says a thousand words, a Dragon says only one, power. - Anonymous

You'll find that unlike every other animal emoji the dragon comes in two forms: dragon head and full dragon body. Never pull out a full dragon body straight away, this is relationship suicide.

Example B: Bill hasn't called in weeks, I'm about to give up all hope when on a rainy Sunday he finally contacts me. Usually I would respond with something like, hey how are you? Out of spite and sadness I come to the conclusion that there is only one thing to do. Dragon him.

First I send a dragon head. He responds immediately with 'can I call you?' For someone who usually takes an hour to reply this is a good sign. After much consideration I decided to pull out the big guns and really make him work for it * Dragon Body * he starts typing instantly and it's obvious that The Dragon has worked its mythical magic and he wants me again.

It's up to you how far you take The Dragon. One of the advantages is that your subject doesn't even have to speak English to understand the language of The Dragon...

When and where you gonna be dragon is ultimately up to you. Just make sure you know your Dragon limits or it may get the best of you. See Dragon fail below...

Enough said.

Like many love games, Dragoning is a game of strategy. To take down your opponent may it be the charming town bicycle or the egotistical pro footballer you must have one thing backing you and that is confidence...and a few champagnes. Never get anxious and explain why you Dragoned your opponent just ride the wave and wait for him to respond or not respond either way, you and your crazy antics will be on his mind for the rest of the day.

When done right you can expect dinner or even an emoji proposal...

Now that you know the secret go forth and use The Dragon to claim back the power in your relationship.

Why has Dragoning worked for me and my girlfriends? It's simple.

For years the texting power has lied in the hands of the man while our phones remained switched off or turned on silent because we couldn't bare staring at a blank screen. 

Instead of giving them what they expect - little smileys or clever idioms we are hitting them with something so out of left field that they will think that we don't give a fuck if they text us or not. 

In fact there is so little care factor that we are prepared to jeopardise an entire relationship by sending a fleshy green head of a imaginary animal. 

Now thats the kind of confidence I want to see more of!

Time for a sleep.

Send all your Dragoning to heaveonbourke@gmail.com - best Dragon wins something amazing ;)

Fear of the Feed

If I didn’t have to check Facebook for work, I wouldn’t go on ever again.

I came to this conclusion just now.

Why? Because the goddamn thing is out to get me that’s why!

For some reason I always find the most uncomfortable stuff at the top of my feed. 

It’s never a picture of a mean girl I went to school with who got fat or pregnant or both, it’s always, ALWAYS something I don’t want to see.

At 6:30 am every day I jump on the Bok as my co-worker calls it to check for saucy lingerie updates on Maple HQ’s page, unfortunately there’s no direct route. To get there I always have to go to my personal home page first, which I personally f*cking hate.

Let me give you a few examples…

Today it was merely moments after I opened my eyes (which would have rather remained shut for another few minutes or hours) and jumped on that I was struck by a photo that made me so jealous I wanted to cry.

Ms B looking hot and tan riding little bike under the Eiffle Tower and under that was a whole album of their travels! 

But the absolute worst happened merely moments ago. Something so shocking it immediately compelled me to crush my empty coffee cup in my hand like in the movies.

I went on to post a picture of our latest style, which I love and was immediately eye raped with a sight I LOATH. 

A selfie of my ex and another GIRL.

What even the fuck is this Facebook you cruel mistress?!

If anyone has a secret IT code to further prevent this please post below and/or if you feel my pain and would like share your experience comment below also.

Until then I will continue to live in fear of my feed. 

Oh the internal struggles of being a 20 something in the 21st century. 

Ladies: Switch off the Porn & Read Erotica.

To my dismay Qn B recently made the executive decision to phase out all erotica in Maple boutiques. 

I can’t say I’m a massive collector of the sophisticated smut that lines our velvety walls but I do appreciate it’s place in our lives.

If you’ve ever read erotica or as my high school english teacher once called it “naughty fiction” you’ll know that shit can be pretty damn hot!

Particularly for women.

You see our brains don’t work the same way as our male companions – as I am sure you are aware.

Without repeating what relationship self help books have already engrained in us, men are visual and women, well we are all in our fucking heads.

Yes a good porn flick can be wildly entertaining but it still gives us time to think which, in turn can deter from the intensity of the fantasy.

Scenaro A

It’s been a long week at work and you come home to your beautiful, respectful, strong lover…the rabbit.

You open your computer screen and click on the most recent upload in Redtube or whatever is readily available to you.

Roll the cinematic masterpiece which is 21st century porn.

For a male the ride stops here (the mental ride that is) with his d*** in his hand he mentally checks out and just immerses himself in the tits and ass until a quick climax sends him into a short term coma. 

Unfortunately this isn’t the case for you.

You on the other hand begin watching the film and immediately start constructing mental notes about…

The actress’s appearance, real boobs? Nah fake. 

Oh a landing strip – that looks good. 

God she’s a bad actress, but you have to give her props because 

Ah! Not up the a**

Hmm actually...

Ok this other position is nice.

Maybe I can search for something more specific "role play" – A officer and a gentlemen perhaps?

Unless you can find something specifically targeted to women with more chest hair and less fake "Oh Yeah's" it  becomes a mission within it's self to do something that ultimately is mean to excite and relax us.

Scenario B

It's been a long week at work and you come home to your beautiful, respectful, strong lover...the rabbit.

You open a book of erotic short stories written by women for women and start reading about an illicit affair between a girl and her superior.

Did I just see your ears prick up you naughty girl?

Erotica is great because when you're reading you don't have the capacity to analyse every little detail. In fact with every suggestive, descriptive and just down right dirty word you begin to create your own fantasy, just the way YOU like it.

His tall, broad stature, the texture of his hair, his big muscular hands. The intensity of his stare and soon the ideas you paint in your mind become directly responsible for what you feel down there.

Oh yeah...down there!

I get it, these days reading is so old school. Why concentrate on reading a book when you have super fast wi-fi and can watch real people doing it for free!?

Because unlike porn, when reading erotica there is still room for imagination.

Like we said in lesson 1 ladies - When it comes to arousal imagination isn't as integral for a man and that's why porn is greatttt for them.

In his perfect sex scene there is a girl, with a vagina, that works and when he's done she squirts! Hooray roll the final credits.

In her perfect sex scene there is a build up of intense, undeniable sexual tension. There is a sideways glance, a cheeky smile, then the slow yet firm undressing and depending on her book it's anywhere from there.

One day someone will make great porn designed to stimulate the female brain and it will be easily available for every woman and her rabbit.

When this day comes porn will win in a naked mud wrestle with erotica hands down.

But with all the anal bleaching and fake orgasms in the world I don't see this day cuming anytime soon.

Get it!?

Cuming!!

Ahha.

Anyway if you want to stimulate your brain and your hot spots head to your favourite sensuality boutique and pick up some erotica today. Only $5 a pop at all Honey Birdette boutiques. Thats a steal.

Love always,

me x

Heaven on Earth

The first thing I thought as I stepped out onto world famous terrazzo full of rich Northern Beaches socialites dressed in fresh pastel colours was shit, I wish I wore a bra.

It was a bright Sunday morning and Mr P.S thought it would be a good idea to whisk me away to a surprise destination for brunch.

I threw on a thick knit jumper and a pair of blue jeans, my black hair tossed and tasseled from a night of romping rom cons (Orange is the New Black is currently at the top of my list).

Sans bra and make up I jumped into his sleek convertible, hungry for some great banter and bacon... 

True to his mysterious ways Mr P.S chose to disclose nothing about where we were heading and therefore I assumed we would only be traveling up the road to our local joint.

50 minutes later.

“Champagne?" Asked the hostess politely. Her perfectly pressed white servers shirt and immaculate nude manicure intimated me. 

“No, coffee is fine” I said giving Mr P.S the eyes. 

“Coffee and then champagne” he said cheekily placing his hand on my leg. 

Mr. P.S isn’t my usual type. Yet I find him simply intoxicating and mystifying. P.S is something that you put at the end of a letter, Mr P.S is someone I look forward to at the end of my day. 

He adds that extra element of excitement to my new career girl life, without taking anything away. Outings with him are always fun and spontaneous, most of which take place late at night or on the weekends. But this blog post isn’t about him, it’s about something else, a big name who attracts more super models and Sydney socialites than any B grade celebrity. Without further a due I introduce to you...Jonah. One of the top 10 places you have to visit before you die. 

My advice to you - bypass the formal dining area to the spectacular cliff hanging balcony...and dress like you're Grace Kelly lazing by a pool in Monaco not like a14 year old boy who's just thrown on a jumper, jeans and some old boots at mums request. I did not get that memo (thanks Mr P.S).

No matter who you are or what you wear the first time you visit Jonah's I promise you'll be in awe of this heavenly oasis and the beautiful people who inhabit it on a sunny day.

We sipped our coffee's slowly while admiring the view and ease dropping on other people's conversations. Before we knew it two glasses of champagne arrived at our table, tiny bubbles dancing in the sun light.

After we finished our drinks and a couple of chicken bacon baguettes we decided it was time to take our little party down to the garden. As soon as we sat down on the two white sun chairs we were greeted by yet another friendly member of Jonah's wait staff.

"Why not try every damn beverage in this joint?" I said to Mr P.S, slipping comfortably into the roll of Queen of the world.

Your wish is my command.

Secretly battling with the urge to go to the bathroom I sipped my glass of wine and listened to Mr P.S talk about his past, something he did with a great sense of caution. I knew it wasn't because he had something to hide but rather because he preferred to live in the moment. I don't think I have ever dated someone as perceptive as him, Mr P.S's intense green eyes always seemed to be on me and at the slightest sign of trepidation on my face he would always ask if I were ok.

Of course the answer would always be yes and I would often wonder how I could be anything less than 100% in his presence.

The next thing we knew it was late afternoon and the warmth formally being generated by a bottle of red was beginning to wear off.

"Would you like a blanket?" a young girl asked promptly.

Would we ever...

Blanket tick, wine tick, exclusive seating tick, view tick, great company tick tick tick! The only thing that was missing was something to nibble on. Low and behold Jonah's serves food all day with plenty of delicious things to pick from. As we'd already demolished chicken bacon baguettes Mr P.S decided to order us something lighter...

Followed by something simply decadent.

There's no denying Jonah's got all the moves and he even has an award to prove it. Jonah's is the only Relais & Chateaux hotel in Sydney which after a little googling I realise is a pretty big deal. Relais & Chateaux is the most prestigious hotel association in the world and there are only four in Australia! Read more about it here.

After spending the entire day at Jonah's I now understand what all the hype is about. Everything from the friendly and attentive service to the magnificent views of Whale Beach is unlike anything I have ever experienced before. I believe that above everything what makes Jonah's truly great is the attention to detail. Everything from the blankets on request to the cufflinks on the servers shirts is undeniably refined, which makes everyone who walks in the door (even those wild braless folk) feel like royalty.

I highly suggest you escape to Palm Beach and visit Jonah's next time you're looking to escape the city! You won't regret it. Reservation are required for in door dining but don't fret if you haven't booked, you can hang outside on the lounges like we did for as long as your heart desires. For those of you who are cashed up why not stay the night in one of Jonah's exclusive rooms? That is definitely going on my bucket list.

As for Mr P.S well he scored some very big points for introducing me to this little piece of heaven on earth. Next week it's my choice where we go. I can choose anywhere. Anywhere! Where would i most like to go in all of NSW? Well that's easy. Let me give you a hint: I will not only have to wear a bra but a harness as well ;)

Exciting times ahead...

Until then lovers!

Grey is Back - The Official Fifty Shades of Grey Trailer

I don't know whether it was the bit when he puts her hands over head at 1:11 or the euphoric sound of Beyonce smashing it again either way my spaghetti bolognese has ended up all down the front of my shirt.

So thats a yes from me.

Now excuse me while I go err.. check for bed bugs... in my bed... in the dark... with my door locked.

Got me loooookkkkin so crazy right nowwwwwa!

10 Ways You're Fucking Up Your Chances of Landing Your Dream Job!

So you’re a hot young go-getter who wants to land a lust worthy career?

Or maybe you’re not hot, not necessarily young but just need a job anyway?

Either way there is only one thing standing in the way of you and that sweet pay check...

Your initial job application!

Notice how I didn’t say resume or CV there? That’s because the world is a change'n and girl, to be successful you must first learn to adapt – which means giving the recruiter exactly what they ask for.

Let me explain…

I have many roles at Maple HQ one of them is to recruit nationally for this prestigious brand. 

When I first started screening applications I was SHOCKED at what us, girls between the age of 18-30 were sending in.

Three months later and I’m not even surprised by the 100s of generic job applications we get a day, instead I am ESTATIC whenever I find an app that actually gives us what we asked for in our initial ad.

It seems a little unbelievable right? That you could not be getting that all important call back because you simply aren't doing what was asked of you in the first place.

Time is of the essence when applying for your dream job so lets cut to the chase shall we?

10 ways you're fucking up your chances of landing a dream job 
(with a lashing of sexual innuendo here and there to keep things interesting)

1. As mentioned above, some people just blatantly fail to give the employee what they want. The first thing you do when you see an ad for a position is you read it, thoroughly. Read that ad like it is a magic ancient scripture telling you how you give your love interest the orgasm of his/hers life. Take in every little detail, understand it and then give them exactly what they want! Yeah baby, do it...just like that!

2. They ask for long rhythmic strokes and you bite down hard on the tip. No, no, no, no, no!
In our ads we ask specifically for video applications, instead we receive about 70% electronic resumes. Thats 70% more time I end up having in my day to do things like err read magazines and eat chocolate because we ain't reading it if you can't be bothered giving it to us in the format we asked for.

3. 'Oh but I don't know how to make a video and send it'
I once read a surprising statistic that 65% of people will make a sexy tape at least once during their lifetime. Making a video application is a very similar process (the uploading part) but I recommend keeping your clothes on for this one...

4. Over sharing. Shit your employee doesn’t want to know:

• Your marital status: No one cares if you’re married, single, divorced, kinda still seeing that guy you tried to break up with 2 years ago from Saturday
• Past past past employment: In 2001 I worked every first Sunday of the month at the Eumundi markets selling hammocks to fat smelly middled aged men. Skills acquired: I expertly handled the fannypack full of money.
• Every achievement you’ve ever had: Won the shortest skirt competition is high school? Well done Paige. Leave it in the year book.

5. Why it doesn’t matter:

• Your martial status: unless asked to provide (which I highly doubt) it doesn’t ever matter. Your employer wants you to be married to one thing and one thing only...your job. 
• Past past past employment: I’ve had 11 jobs which range from dance teaching to chocolate factory supervising. I only put the last 3-4 on my resume, the ones which are relevant to the organisation I want to work for. 
• Every achievement you’ve ever had: Mum and dad will never forget your employees however will always remember you as the person who wasted 5 minutes of their valuable time if you choose to include irrelevant information. 

6. You're sending out a million generic applications because you think it will give you a better chance at getting a gig.
It should go without saying here that when you're sending apps it is all about the quality not the quantity. If you really want the job you should not only tailor your app to meet the demands of the ad but to also compliment the brand. People who think they have a better chance of getting a job by flicking the same resume to 100 different organisations - you're not fooling anyone. In my world this act is regarded as being professionally slutty. 

Tick, tock, tick, tock...

6. Wrap it up! Keep it short and sweet with the most important information at the top. A one page resume is ideal but let the employer know that you can provide references etc on request. 

7.  Check the formatting! I come across many encrypted applications on a daily basis. Truth be told I don't waste my time trying to open them, I just move on to the next one instead. Hint: send it to a friend first & get them to check. While you're at it get them to have a flick through - Would they hire you?

8. Leave out points that don't matter...Like this one. To be honest I couldn't think of anything important to say for number 8. Sorry number 8.

9. Don't be discouraged if you don't have experience. How do you think I got my job in the first place? It wasn't by being an incredible publicist thats for sure. It was by being incredibly eager to please.

10. It's not about what you say but how you say it...

Ok so sending cupcakes isn't mandatory or even recommended (it can be considered a form of bribery opps a daisy) but it certainly pays to be different.

How do you do this? It's simple - hit your recruiter with the unexpected...A application that follows the above criteria thats all you need.

So what are you waiting for? Find the ad for the job you want, print in out, follow it line by line

answer each question  (it will make it easier if you tick as you go) and get creative with it.  Send it off when you feel as though you have created an app that is a great reflection of your personality and your work ethic.

If you don't hear back? Get on the phone and call! My number one piece of advice to you is not to be afraid to follow up on an application, ever.

I know it may seem intimating calling the company you want to work for but 9 times out of 10  the gate keeper to your dream job isn't the CEO or the MD it's just someone like me waiting for a smart chick like you to take initiative.

Those are the girls who stand out and end up kicking some serious fucking goals.

Now it's time for me to go to sleep!

Plenty of potential models & maple girls to see tomorrow.

Big Kisses!

P